Tag Archives: true stories

Not So Happy Holidays

IT’S HOW YOU SEE THINGS, NOT HOW IT REALLY IS

It’s when all your words come out in in monotone or in low volume or they don’t come out right at all. Your brain thinks the right word but the wrong word leaves your mouth. Or your mouth trips up the words. Or your brain just stops in mid thought.

And this angers people. They say, “What?” with aggravation. They want you to repeat yourself and you do but this time you take a deeper breath and you shout out what you have to say. It’s a lot of work and leaves you tired. Communicating verbally is so exhausting.

Why can’t it be easier like when you write music or stories or paint pictures…wait, no. They don’t understand those forms of communications. At least, not the deeper way you communicate through them. Or do they even care to see/read/listen to your art?

 

JOIN UP WITH THE CROWD

It’s when all the people are talking, laughing, shouting, screaming, clinking glasses, banging plates, and blasting bad music at once. Good times swirl into a into a sonic tornado that rips into your head like Pillsbury thorns and makes you want to cover your ears with a pillow or run out of the room or the house. You feel the eyes on you and can’t help but think they are wondering about you. Society states there must be something wrong with you. And there is.

You never feel this way at a concert/fest/club, standing in crowd, listening to four people you always loved playing music you never grew tired of. Maybe because you can hide your rocking/stomping/wiggling. Maybe because you can screw up the words as you sing and no one will hear you. Maybe because you’re invisible.

YOU NEED TO INTERGRATE YOURSELF

It’s when you sit in a crowded room and eat the food or stare at the television. Guests walk in and they say hi to you. You wave back. You weave through the crowd to get a drink. You say hi and smile. You climb the mountain. You socialized.

You could stop to interrupt their conversation with other people but that would be rude. It would be doubly rude to talk to them because you know what comes out of your mouth would not be proper. Your life and interests are worlds apart. You’re frank and honest.

Not because you’re a hurtful person, it’s because you are frank and honest. Illusions are wasteful. Politeness is pointless. You want to show your honest self, warts and butterflies. But that’s not how it works.

In the past you got polite laughter from them. Wide eye exchange. Mouths distracted with sipping drinks. Dying conversations. You die too and hope the Earth opens up under you. But all you can do is leave the conversation and go back to your chair. Keep eating. Try to keep still because you want to rock back and forth or bounce your leg or wiggle your fingers.

The only other option is to stand and stare while two other people talk. You nod, smile, and say, “Yep, yep,” and sip your drink.

No. Those are both horrible. Both tiring. Exhausting.

You should go back to your chair. Sit. Watch the television and wait for it’s time to leave. Take breaks to leave the house/apartment.

Or find that other freak in the room. Or maybe you should bring one with you.

I know I will.

Happy Holidays to my weirdo, freak, loser, geek, and monster brothers and sisters. And good luck.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Please Excuse The Explosion And Carry On With Your Day.

And research goes on. Focusing on Albert Fish. For those not in the know he was a cannibal who ate children and was caught in the 1930s. He was in his sixties when the police apprehended him. A sick fellow who always fascinated me.

For decades I was only able to find him in chapters in other books but finally found a slim pb that covers his last crime, arrest, and trial. I think someone on a bb recommended this book to me as one of the best books on Fish.

One of the villains in Cities That Eat Islands will be based on Fish, something I’ve always wanted to do in a Miki book. Maybe if the character survives this story I can still do it.

Was another terrorist attack in NYC day before yesterday. Local news covered it but social media was kind of quiet. I saw no mention of it in my Facebook feed. A young man who has been in this country for seven years made a pipe bomb and brought it to Port Authority. It went off. No one died and the young man was arrested. He was tired of Trump. An American made terrorist. Shrug. Many of us are tired of Trump. I’m surprised there aren’t more American Made Terrorists around.

I guess it’s getting so that terrorist attacks are slipping through the cracks like school shootings. In the last few weeks I read about two. One in New Mexico killed 2. The one in California killed 4.

Is this all part of not being shaken by the violent perpetrator?

We will not be terrorized.

We will not let them interfere with our lives.

Life will go on. Death and violence will not faze me.

See my smile.

Now go back to work.

Say Happy Holidays (or if you’re a fascist Merry Christmas).

Listen to Billie Christmas, pass the cranberry sauce, and pretend that sound is just thunder.

The Republicans That Ran Away To Join The Circus

Edited two shorts this morning before the babes woke. Kids only have two days of school today so I’m not getting much done and little time. 10 pages for each one.

One I will publish for this month. That’s my new thing. To publish a short story a month. You know. Taking risks. Branching out. See what happens.

The other is brand new. I’ll see if there’s a market for it but since it’s crime I doubt there will be much outside Hitch and Ellery, and even those are time wasters.

It’s been a few days since the election and all is quiet. I live in a bubble so I don’t see much of a response. Plus I live in Jersey City and we don’t have much of a hate contingent here, multicultural.

I imagine many are happy about our governor. I have heard no love over Christy. But his replacement had a lot of votes. On the map I saw she won over Cape May, Monmouth, and Ocean Counties. Those are big conservative white trash parts of NJ. I should know, I grew up in Monmouth Country. You don’t want to be different there. Get out ASAP. Runaway and joint the circus.

Speaking of running away, I heard that republicans are going to move from New Jersey now that Murphy is the Gov. Like when Democrats were going to move from the US when Trump became pres.

C’mon. Be original.

But I don’t fall for that shit. People running. Stay and fight. The only time one should run is if planes are bombing your city. Syrians had a good excuse to run. I think these residents want to run for the fear of higher taxes.

American’s are soft. This is what I detest about the middle class. They live in fear of money.

What would they do without their money?

(take opioids?)

They would be lower class. Why do you think they voted for Trump? So they can get money.

There is no shame in being poor. You live minimalistic. Bare bones. You appreciate what you got. It’s hard. That’s live. Sometimes things go well and then BOOM you get cancer.

Fuck. We live in a successful communist country. Yes, the USA is a communist country. We take our taxes and we give it to those less fortunate in services for free. No, we don’t have one class. It’s not 100 percent communist. That’s because we are built on a democracy and have other systems involved. But communism is in there. Care for the community.

Anyway. Yeah. had this conversation yesterday with an Indian guy. Sikh. All he cares about is his money. He doesn’t care about racism or what’s going on with Trump’s Nationalism. It doesn’t affect him. His dad is a Republican. A rich guy who liked Trump at first because he thought he would make him some money but now he doesn’t like him because of how he is running the country. Trump is not making money for the USA, too much time on twitter.

With luck the Dad wont vote for him again. The guy I spoke to won’t vote for Trump or anyone because he’s not even registered. Too lazy.

So I guess the nonwhites (if you want to call them that) that voted for Trump or going to vote against him in the second election, Trump needs to fail on making money for the country.

Fucked up, huh? But if it works.

How Does One Become A Worthy or Relevant Human For Sexual Assault?

More women, and men, are coming out with their sexual assault stories in Hollywood. Victims feel empowered now. Stronger. They stand together. A family is growing.

It’s even spreading outside the entertainment industry . A few weeks ago women protested with the #metoo hashtag. Most of the women in my life spoke out and revealed their stories. I wasn’t surprised. I know that there are predators out there. I’m a man. I know what they’re capable of. I know what I’m capable of. But what makes me different from the predator is that I care for my little sisters.

Reading the public response to the ongoing news can be uplifting and enraging. I enjoy seeing women and men sticking up for these actresses and employees who come out exorcise their torment. But then you have men and women who are tired of hearing it.

“They’re nobodies. Irrelevant. Not worthy. They’re just trying to further their failing career by jumping on the bandwagon,” is my favorite.

These comments blew up right from the start when Rose McGowan came out with her story. Or as the contesting public called her: Rose McNobody. Then there was Asia Ar-no-no.

(NOTE: I have had mad respect for Rose since she won my heart with Amy Blue and Asia since Demons 2)

Two failed actresses that no one heard of or haven’t work in a long time. Two failures that crave the lime light. So desperate that they both cooked up rape stories in order to re-energize their career.

How did they get this plan? Two women on opposite sides of the ocean?

Well, back in the seventies their was this woman Jane Limelight, who did the same thing. She won the Oscar for best actress and then her career went down hill.

She was a good girl, you see. Never sucked a cock or fucked a producer in Hollywood. Always memorized her lines and stepped on her mark for the camera. Did her press junkets. Families and kids loved her. Nixon and Regan loved her.

But since she won that Oscar she couldn’t snag the great rolls anymore. It’s like she plateaued. Reached the top and had no where to go. But this actress knew there was higher.

So what did she do? She claimed she was raped by a studio head. The case never went to court. She just made the accusation. And the press and public ate it up. She became the victim everyone loved. She was offered brilliant roles and television shows. The studio head eventual killed himself. He was probably innocent but that doesn’t matter.

Jane Limelight still works today. You probably love her but don’t even realize it.

But you cant fool the public twice. There can be only one actress that uses rape and sexual assault to heighten her career.

Or could there be two? I mean, what if the first actress grows old or gets cancer and dies. Another actress has to take her place. What would be the discerning public’s standards for being a worthy and relevant human for sexual assault.

Obviously she can’t be well-read and educated. She can’t be a talented actress that has one trade awards. She can’t work regularly. She can’t move on from acting to directing and producing. She can’t be out-spoken. She can’t have a brain.

Ah! I got it. The perfect woman, or man, for worthy and relevant rape and sexual assault needs to be silent, still, and compliant until the day they DIE!

Fuck that.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be relevant and or worthy if that’s the case.

And neither should anyone.

To see the truth, to see it well (dream operator)

sub: 6

rejects: 5

Wrote a new sci-fi story this week at 4,783 words so far. Should finish the draft tomorrow. Wandered around it. Had no idea where it was going. (I never outline, everything’s in my head, but just ideas, even with novels) Did it have a right or a left political slant? Seems I made fun of both. Cool. But it still could be considered too polemic like most of my other work. I’ll try not to worry about. The world is different now. Money options are different now.

Been watching these classes on Calling Bullshit put out by The University of Washington. It’s a one credit course that they offer and so far seems interesting. A lot of it I’m familiar with but I’m learning new theories on the construction of bullshit. Life has always been full of illusion and delusion. Especially with our government.

It didn’t start with Trump and his administration; he just brought the best game and players. He’s also inspired the worst in both parties. I’ve seen a lot of bullshit in the liberal left too. Many memes that are so absurd. I’m at the point were nothing surprises me about Trump but when I see these ridiculous memes on the web I would have to be a fucking idiot to believe he did or said that.

I never considered my self a Democrat or lefty. I’m mistaken for one all the time by angry conservatives and Republicons. No, if I had to label my political affiliation I would say anarchist or progressive. Anarchist don’t want to destroy the government, we just don’t need the government to control us into doing the right thing. I know what’s right and can do it on my own. I don’t need the law to tell me what is right. Most likely I can be arrested for doing what is right.

I vote Democrat since they share the same goals as me. No, Dems are not perfect. Don’t expect them to be. Never expect a politician to be perfect. But at least a Dem gives to the country. It’s part of their agenda. A Republicon’s agenda states that it must away. Lately there are more progressive Democrats popping up locally since Sanders came around. Good sign, no?

Anyway. No matter what political party, seeing the truth is always a good thing. To figure out the truth you need three things:

  1. What you learn from experience
  2. What you learn from a book (preferably non-fiction)
  3. What you learn from other people’s experience (people in your face to face life, not Facebook and Twitter)

Mixed those three things and at the core is the truth.

So for now, I give you this: