Tag Archives: family

Not So Happy Holidays

IT’S HOW YOU SEE THINGS, NOT HOW IT REALLY IS

It’s when all your words come out in in monotone or in low volume or they don’t come out right at all. Your brain thinks the right word but the wrong word leaves your mouth. Or your mouth trips up the words. Or your brain just stops in mid thought.

And this angers people. They say, “What?” with aggravation. They want you to repeat yourself and you do but this time you take a deeper breath and you shout out what you have to say. It’s a lot of work and leaves you tired. Communicating verbally is so exhausting.

Why can’t it be easier like when you write music or stories or paint pictures…wait, no. They don’t understand those forms of communications. At least, not the deeper way you communicate through them. Or do they even care to see/read/listen to your art?

 

JOIN UP WITH THE CROWD

It’s when all the people are talking, laughing, shouting, screaming, clinking glasses, banging plates, and blasting bad music at once. Good times swirl into a into a sonic tornado that rips into your head like Pillsbury thorns and makes you want to cover your ears with a pillow or run out of the room or the house. You feel the eyes on you and can’t help but think they are wondering about you. Society states there must be something wrong with you. And there is.

You never feel this way at a concert/fest/club, standing in crowd, listening to four people you always loved playing music you never grew tired of. Maybe because you can hide your rocking/stomping/wiggling. Maybe because you can screw up the words as you sing and no one will hear you. Maybe because you’re invisible.

YOU NEED TO INTERGRATE YOURSELF

It’s when you sit in a crowded room and eat the food or stare at the television. Guests walk in and they say hi to you. You wave back. You weave through the crowd to get a drink. You say hi and smile. You climb the mountain. You socialized.

You could stop to interrupt their conversation with other people but that would be rude. It would be doubly rude to talk to them because you know what comes out of your mouth would not be proper. Your life and interests are worlds apart. You’re frank and honest.

Not because you’re a hurtful person, it’s because you are frank and honest. Illusions are wasteful. Politeness is pointless. You want to show your honest self, warts and butterflies. But that’s not how it works.

In the past you got polite laughter from them. Wide eye exchange. Mouths distracted with sipping drinks. Dying conversations. You die too and hope the Earth opens up under you. But all you can do is leave the conversation and go back to your chair. Keep eating. Try to keep still because you want to rock back and forth or bounce your leg or wiggle your fingers.

The only other option is to stand and stare while two other people talk. You nod, smile, and say, “Yep, yep,” and sip your drink.

No. Those are both horrible. Both tiring. Exhausting.

You should go back to your chair. Sit. Watch the television and wait for it’s time to leave. Take breaks to leave the house/apartment.

Or find that other freak in the room. Or maybe you should bring one with you.

I know I will.

Happy Holidays to my weirdo, freak, loser, geek, and monster brothers and sisters. And good luck.

 

 

 

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Please Excuse The Explosion And Carry On With Your Day.

And research goes on. Focusing on Albert Fish. For those not in the know he was a cannibal who ate children and was caught in the 1930s. He was in his sixties when the police apprehended him. A sick fellow who always fascinated me.

For decades I was only able to find him in chapters in other books but finally found a slim pb that covers his last crime, arrest, and trial. I think someone on a bb recommended this book to me as one of the best books on Fish.

One of the villains in Cities That Eat Islands will be based on Fish, something I’ve always wanted to do in a Miki book. Maybe if the character survives this story I can still do it.

Was another terrorist attack in NYC day before yesterday. Local news covered it but social media was kind of quiet. I saw no mention of it in my Facebook feed. A young man who has been in this country for seven years made a pipe bomb and brought it to Port Authority. It went off. No one died and the young man was arrested. He was tired of Trump. An American made terrorist. Shrug. Many of us are tired of Trump. I’m surprised there aren’t more American Made Terrorists around.

I guess it’s getting so that terrorist attacks are slipping through the cracks like school shootings. In the last few weeks I read about two. One in New Mexico killed 2. The one in California killed 4.

Is this all part of not being shaken by the violent perpetrator?

We will not be terrorized.

We will not let them interfere with our lives.

Life will go on. Death and violence will not faze me.

See my smile.

Now go back to work.

Say Happy Holidays (or if you’re a fascist Merry Christmas).

Listen to Billie Christmas, pass the cranberry sauce, and pretend that sound is just thunder.

Meltdowns (Shh we don’t talk about those)

I have meltdowns. Not tantrums. And I’m not crazy. People think and say I am crazy when I have/had them. I used to think I was crazy. But now that I know I’m an Aspie I know that they are meltdowns.

“How do you know they are not tantrums or that you are not one angry asshole?”

Because they don’t happen out of anger. They’re not from rage. I don’t hate you. They’re sparked from an information/sensory overload.

I have meltdowns once a week, sometimes once a month, sometimes once every other month. Those spacious times I’m able to recognize when a meltdown is going to happen. I stop, leave the scene, tell my self what is happening and why, and wait for it to pass. It’s all I can do. I wait for the pandemonium to leave and then reenter the pattern.

You see, that’s a big thing for me, patterns. When my pattern explodes into chaos I can’t handle it. I don’t mean the slightest slip, I mean chaos. Like three people in the room getting in the way, screaming and moving things around, while I’m trying to cook them dinner.

Chaos.

So I leave the room until the chaos leaves and dinner is late.

Another thing that sets me off is illogical thoughts and questions that hammer my brain.

This may sound insulting but neuro typical people live very illogical philosophies. Your lives are governed by dead people and those dead people had no idea what they were talking about. I know, I sound egotistical and elitists.

For example: I don’t believe in inequality but most of the people in the world does and when I’m hammered with it over and over in a thirty minute period the illogic spins my brain and pushes me into a meltdown. Or when NTs hammer me with selfishness (I’m a firm believer in altruism) over and over, I meltdown.

Most of the time, depending on whose around, I’m able to calm down before I explode but sometimes I don’t.

What is my meltdown like? No one gets hurt but me. I am incapable of hurting anyone. It’s not about anger. No hate. It’s not directed at anyone. My brain malfunctioned, glitched from the info, trying to balance the logic of my interior world to the overwhelming insanity of the so-called-real world.

I pace. I scream how nothing makes sense. I punch the walls or stove. Throw my arms. People look at me as if I’m nuts. In the end I feel exhausted and I have a wound. One time I accidently hit a pen someone was holding while swinging my arms and stabbed myself  in the hand. Didn’t feel it. I have a high tolerance for pain, by the way. I’ve had bruises on my hands and arms. I used to hit my head a lot. Now I got the beginning of a cataract so I don’t do that anymore.

Afterwards, I also feel shame and embarrassment. I wish me and my family didn’t have to go through this. Times like this is when I wish there was a drug that helped us. Not a cure for autism. A cure for overload, for meltdowns.

So that it. My meltdowns. I probably shouldn’t have written about them but I felt it was important to get it out. I don’t see much talk out there about it. It is an ugly subject. Cops like to handcuff kids at school when they have them. I’m sure marriages break up because of them. I’m fortunate. Very fortunate. Which makes me want to try for the longer gaps.

 

Autism is Evil. WTF? How did we get stuck with this?

You see/hear it on the web or on television or at your dining room table on the holidays. Anti vaccination rants. Vaccinations cause autism.

I saw a video recently about triplets. Perfectly fine and happy, as stated by the parents. They showed a picture of them, the babies. No video. Then the parents took them for a shot and BOOM. No eye contact, drooling, lifeless. AUTISM! Parents crying. Life over.

Things were never the same. Receipt lost. Can’t return the kids for a refund. You can’t sell them on eBay for a penny because no one wants defective autistic babies. They will never grow up to be bankers or hedge funders let alone plumbers.

But the worse part, the saddest, were the parents. The poor, crying parents whose lives were ruined. They were duped. The doctors told them that the shots would save their children from diseases and the government told them they had to do it. The parents were victims. Rubes. Shit. Even I feel like setting up a GoFundMe for them.

Nah. It’s all propaganda bullshit.

Fact: Real doctors/scientists are no where close to determining how autism starts. They are sure as shit that it doesn’t come from vaccinations. 

Fact: Government still pumps tons of money into research to find out the cause.

So one day we might know. Personally I hope there is no cure but maybe a treatment to handle the negative affects.

What do I think is the cause of autism? Genetics. It’s hereditary. It goes back before vaccinations. May even be evolutional.

Now, let’s humor the anti-vaccination people a moment. This shit is hurtful to us autistics. Think about it. They want to kill us. Stop the vaccinations 100% and you stop the race of autistics. (REALITY BREAK: We are born autistic and not given a shot like the Hulk or Captain America) We’ll die out. How fucked up is that? That’s like white supremacist. Neuro Typical Nationalist? Can we call them that? Do they want a world where everyone has bland, boring thoughts and a filtered mouth?

And like any other hate group, they focus on the low functioning autistic. They exploit their challenges with speech and motor skills, etc. to scare low intelligent adults into not vaccinating their children. Like chicken and small pox are better. Yeah. I still remember chicken pox. (IDIOT BOX: “There hasn’t been a case of small pox in a hundred years.” ME: “Could it be because of vaccinations?”) Fucking hell.

Or maybe the parents the vaccination groups are targeting are lazy. They want kids that are easy. Predictable. What is more easy and predictable than healthy.

But autism isn’t a sickness. I wouldn’t even call it a disability although it is labeled as one. Think of it as a physical language. Imagine your child is Superman. He/she is an alien who as come down to Earth and doesn’t know the language or the customs. Through ABA; physical, speech, and occupational therapies (whatever is needed) your child will learn how to communicate and move through this human world. But inside they will always be this alien. Sometimes they will slip and speak alien. Sometimes it will be glorious and sometimes it will conflict with society. Like a good parent, you will love and accept it because they are your child no matter what. He/she will always be Superman, er, woman.

Now why I don’t think there should be a cure for autism.

We’re awesome. We’re great thinkers. We’re honest. We have no filter. We have amazing concentration with things we love. Excellent organizers. Imaginative. Knack for seeing how things work, seeing things that others don’t. Loving. Loyal. We stand strong on our own and don’t follow a crowd. Funny as fuck. Some of us have changed the world dramatically, for the best. We’re the ultimate snowflakes; no two autistics are alike. We’re not great conversationalists, but we communicate in other extraordinary ways if you listen.

You never hear about how autistic go on crime or murder sprees. We just don’t do it. Sure, we have outbursts and may break property, but that’s just because you NTs are just so fucking impossible. My point is we are not filling up jails.

So why would the anti-vaccination people want us dead? These Neuro Typical Nationalist. Are we just pawns for lazy parents? Are they just anti-government? Do they want to screw with Big Pharma?

I don’t know. I do know that we are stuck in the middle. Used as pawns, used to look bad, used to look like freaks to dummy adults.

Well, fuck you anti-vaccinationist and the Neuro Typical Nationalist horse you rode in on.

 

 

The Republicans That Ran Away To Join The Circus

Edited two shorts this morning before the babes woke. Kids only have two days of school today so I’m not getting much done and little time. 10 pages for each one.

One I will publish for this month. That’s my new thing. To publish a short story a month. You know. Taking risks. Branching out. See what happens.

The other is brand new. I’ll see if there’s a market for it but since it’s crime I doubt there will be much outside Hitch and Ellery, and even those are time wasters.

It’s been a few days since the election and all is quiet. I live in a bubble so I don’t see much of a response. Plus I live in Jersey City and we don’t have much of a hate contingent here, multicultural.

I imagine many are happy about our governor. I have heard no love over Christy. But his replacement had a lot of votes. On the map I saw she won over Cape May, Monmouth, and Ocean Counties. Those are big conservative white trash parts of NJ. I should know, I grew up in Monmouth Country. You don’t want to be different there. Get out ASAP. Runaway and joint the circus.

Speaking of running away, I heard that republicans are going to move from New Jersey now that Murphy is the Gov. Like when Democrats were going to move from the US when Trump became pres.

C’mon. Be original.

But I don’t fall for that shit. People running. Stay and fight. The only time one should run is if planes are bombing your city. Syrians had a good excuse to run. I think these residents want to run for the fear of higher taxes.

American’s are soft. This is what I detest about the middle class. They live in fear of money.

What would they do without their money?

(take opioids?)

They would be lower class. Why do you think they voted for Trump? So they can get money.

There is no shame in being poor. You live minimalistic. Bare bones. You appreciate what you got. It’s hard. That’s live. Sometimes things go well and then BOOM you get cancer.

Fuck. We live in a successful communist country. Yes, the USA is a communist country. We take our taxes and we give it to those less fortunate in services for free. No, we don’t have one class. It’s not 100 percent communist. That’s because we are built on a democracy and have other systems involved. But communism is in there. Care for the community.

Anyway. Yeah. had this conversation yesterday with an Indian guy. Sikh. All he cares about is his money. He doesn’t care about racism or what’s going on with Trump’s Nationalism. It doesn’t affect him. His dad is a Republican. A rich guy who liked Trump at first because he thought he would make him some money but now he doesn’t like him because of how he is running the country. Trump is not making money for the USA, too much time on twitter.

With luck the Dad wont vote for him again. The guy I spoke to won’t vote for Trump or anyone because he’s not even registered. Too lazy.

So I guess the nonwhites (if you want to call them that) that voted for Trump or going to vote against him in the second election, Trump needs to fail on making money for the country.

Fucked up, huh? But if it works.

How Does One Become A Worthy or Relevant Human For Sexual Assault?

More women, and men, are coming out with their sexual assault stories in Hollywood. Victims feel empowered now. Stronger. They stand together. A family is growing.

It’s even spreading outside the entertainment industry . A few weeks ago women protested with the #metoo hashtag. Most of the women in my life spoke out and revealed their stories. I wasn’t surprised. I know that there are predators out there. I’m a man. I know what they’re capable of. I know what I’m capable of. But what makes me different from the predator is that I care for my little sisters.

Reading the public response to the ongoing news can be uplifting and enraging. I enjoy seeing women and men sticking up for these actresses and employees who come out exorcise their torment. But then you have men and women who are tired of hearing it.

“They’re nobodies. Irrelevant. Not worthy. They’re just trying to further their failing career by jumping on the bandwagon,” is my favorite.

These comments blew up right from the start when Rose McGowan came out with her story. Or as the contesting public called her: Rose McNobody. Then there was Asia Ar-no-no.

(NOTE: I have had mad respect for Rose since she won my heart with Amy Blue and Asia since Demons 2)

Two failed actresses that no one heard of or haven’t work in a long time. Two failures that crave the lime light. So desperate that they both cooked up rape stories in order to re-energize their career.

How did they get this plan? Two women on opposite sides of the ocean?

Well, back in the seventies their was this woman Jane Limelight, who did the same thing. She won the Oscar for best actress and then her career went down hill.

She was a good girl, you see. Never sucked a cock or fucked a producer in Hollywood. Always memorized her lines and stepped on her mark for the camera. Did her press junkets. Families and kids loved her. Nixon and Regan loved her.

But since she won that Oscar she couldn’t snag the great rolls anymore. It’s like she plateaued. Reached the top and had no where to go. But this actress knew there was higher.

So what did she do? She claimed she was raped by a studio head. The case never went to court. She just made the accusation. And the press and public ate it up. She became the victim everyone loved. She was offered brilliant roles and television shows. The studio head eventual killed himself. He was probably innocent but that doesn’t matter.

Jane Limelight still works today. You probably love her but don’t even realize it.

But you cant fool the public twice. There can be only one actress that uses rape and sexual assault to heighten her career.

Or could there be two? I mean, what if the first actress grows old or gets cancer and dies. Another actress has to take her place. What would be the discerning public’s standards for being a worthy and relevant human for sexual assault.

Obviously she can’t be well-read and educated. She can’t be a talented actress that has one trade awards. She can’t work regularly. She can’t move on from acting to directing and producing. She can’t be out-spoken. She can’t have a brain.

Ah! I got it. The perfect woman, or man, for worthy and relevant rape and sexual assault needs to be silent, still, and compliant until the day they DIE!

Fuck that.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be relevant and or worthy if that’s the case.

And neither should anyone.

carriers of disease (dimensions of dialogue)

Today was a grand day. My first born and only son had his moving on ceremony from 5th grade. He also received his first Honor Roll award for the marking period. All year he was getting credit roll so it was bound to happen, right?

(One weird thing about the ceremony. They had an award for students that had perfect attendance. A group of fifteen or so kids who came to school every single day. Never called out sick. Never had strep throat. Never had a fever. Never had anything wrong in their family or with their health that they couldn’t go to school for one single day. Weird right? Robots? Or just carriers of diseases?)

No need to say how proud we all are of D, our son. He’s a smart and special boy who mechanically inclined and interested in science and the world around him. He can carry on a conversation with any adult and watches the news all the time while tracking storms on various weather channels.

Next year he’ll start the Advancement and Enrichment Program downtown. He had to take a test and write an essay for that one. 400 out of 700 kids got in. Yeah, proud. Some really smart kids, like Gifted and Talented class kids, didn’t get in. If all goes well then he can streamline into one of the best HS in the city.

Mind you this is all public school. My poor, white trash writer’s ass can’t afford no high class private school education. If my son keeps on this path, he should be able to get some scholarships for college, if he should want to go. I’m not one of those parents that forces their kid’s path. I didn’t force on the AEP school. I asked him if he wanted to try it and he said yes. In fact I tried to talk him out of it. I never did well in school; C student, hid in the back, teachers passed me on. Obviously since I had the Aspie brain. But I am intelligent and my wife is very smart. Top of her class in college smart.

So yeah. We’re proud.

To celebrate we shall watch this little ditty from Russia: