Tag Archives: buddhism

Does Everyone Have An Agenda?

Worked on paperback files, some tweaking after I discovered a new trick. Now I look more like everyone else. Yay! Right. That’s what it’s all about, right? Looking like everyone one else.

Until they start reading the words inside and they find out that you’re not quite like everyone else. You start making them uncomfortable. You’re filling them with ideas and politics. You have an agenda. They throw your book across the room and write a horrible review about you.

Or they really dig it and buy the next one.

Whatever.

But yeah. Those are the times we live in. You hear the way people talk. The key words.

“The Conservative Agenda.”

“The Liberal Agenda.”

Or Democratic or Republic or whatever.

Y2K did bring the end of times but it wasn’t with a meteor or a total system crash. It was a clash of culture. It was with a black president that brought out the Aryan Movement. It was the biggest recession that revealed who was in power. It was the people that are just so fucking tired of it all.

Out with the old and in with the new.

But it’s not easy because the old doesn’t want to go so easy.

So yeah, people talk funny these days. Talk like they’re in some movie or in a dystopian novel. I’m used to it. I grew up watching that shit. Mad Max films and Warriors of the Wasteland and Solar Babies (haha) and what have you. I read all the books before like Fahrenheit 451, 1984, Handmaids Tale, etc. You would think that sales for these books would go down because people would need a break from real life but I see that they have been going up (here and here). I guess people need how to books to get along in this world.

How much of this shit can you take? Fiction has become reality

When shit started going down after the last election I wasn’t so surprised like others. I have been seeing the world like that all my life. I was happy. Finally, I was validated.

But you know what? They story isn’t new. Don’t get mad at Trumpians when they say that Trump didn’t start this. Yeah, he did start this, this shit that is going on NOW, but a lot of it has happened before. Government has always treated non whites like shit. Yeah, whites are treated bad, but most white people are sheep. You see the symbolism don’t you. White people = white sheep. Sheep take it. They’re submissive. Ready for slaughter. Easily led to food.

Look at history. It goes through phases. Some presidents are worse than others. We’re going through the worse right now. He’s even got his own language and world. It’s brilliant. And dangerous. But the people who follow him have always been here. Always. They were here since the beginning of the country. Shit. Since the start of the world.

Hate never dies.

Hate has an agenda.

So does love.

cheerful close up coffee cup
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The Answer Is a Headline or a Meme

Found three images to work with for the cover of A Sandwich Can’t Stop a Bullet. Each one has a human factor in it. I’ll play around with them and see which one I’ll send to the designer later.

Watched the last two parts of the Puppet Master Axis trilogy, Axis Rising and Axis Termination. Both were directed by Charles Band who did not direct part one which was done by David Decoteau.

Although both are fine directors, Band decided to add a camp edge to part two and replaced the actors to the leads in part 1. The humor was jarring and the use of the sexy SS woman who then became the puppet with the tits that shot bullets was too much camp based on the balance created in the first film.

But then the two main characters from one and two are killed in the first two minutes of part three and all seems to return to order. Darkness returns. Some scene are fucked up and the movie is pretty good in a low budget, let’s rip off Universal Pictures sort of way.

I read that Full Moon has shot another Puppet Master that takes place in a parallel universe where Toulon is a Nazi and uses the puppets for evil. That would suck. But what can you do.

Any who.

Lately my hearing and smell has been very sensitive lately. Mostly my hearing to the point where I’ve been aggravated. Many noises set me off from aggravation to anger. I think I need to walk around with ear muffs or a head set in the apartment.

Saw my drug dealer yesterday. Keeping my pills the same. My depression has been leveled. I think doing this blog and vocalizing how I feel to others has helped. I know that others have no idea what I’m talking about. I live in my own world; fantasy world as the experts call it. That is the point of my brain, the disorder, the meaning of the word. No one will understand me. But I experience less depression than holding it in.

It does leave other upset and confused, but I’m not sure what I can do about that. If I’m upset and confused I search for answers. Maybe they should do the same. But that’s not how the world works. People don’t search for answers. They lay around and wait for someone else to tell them the answers. Or maybe they read the answer as a head line or a meme on the internet.

It’s frustrating and sad but I can always do something else.

orange and gray earmuffs
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Don’t You Have A Filter?

More work on Cities that Eat Islands.

Submitted cover to designer for paperback version Bawling Sugar Soul.

D was home sick today. Helped him with his essay. A ridiculous subject. A hard one. Finding common ground between the Europeans, the Native Americans, and the African Americans in 1492. Gonna need some creative writing for this one.

So I have a habit of dragging people out of their comfort zones. I’m not just talking about with my books or on the internet where I fall into arguments with dunderheads. In real life too. See, when people say:

“Yeah, you’re a big man hiding behind your keyboard. But in real life you wouldn’t say those things.”

Well, yeah. I do say those things. I’ve had a life time of people telling me:

“You’re so crazy.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that.”

“Don’t you have a filter?”

“What is wrong with you?”

And on and on.

No, I’m not crazy. I’m autistic. And maybe that means I don’t have a filter and that I’m rude or crazy…to those people. Maybe it means that I tell the truth without holding back. Maybe I want to be part of the conversation and don’t know the right way to break into it so I just verbally belly flop into it. It really depends on the situation.

Most of my life it has gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’ve been beaten in the face, kicked in the spine, kept from getting a promotion at Metlife, gotten in disagreements with co-workers, lost friends in person and on the internet, and fought with in-laws.

But it has benefits aside from my art. I have run into people that don’t react that way. They do take me seriously, accept me when I speak. And when I’m being funny, like unfiltered funny, they laugh. Like my wife and kids and my one or two friends that I manage not to scare away.

It’s hard. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t talk in public much. Making friends is difficult, especially with white people. Usually I have to hang out with a person a few times before I feel comfortable in front of them.

Then there are those people where you get that safe feeling from. They smile at you, they radiate acceptance. I appreciate those.

Personally I don’t mind moving out of my comfort zone. I love watching movies that threaten me, move me. People with ideas and imagination. Shift my thinking and perspective a bit. After all, as humans we have to change. It’s as obvious as our skin.

So why resist that autistic person who is pulling you from your safe place? Embrace them. If they are giving you a view outside the box, take a look. If they are telling you a joke that might be off color, go ahead and laugh. Consider them living art.

I get that society has these invisible laws and you might go to invisible jail if you break them where they will stare at you with invisible lasers filled with invisible shame. But if one resists change they suffer.

Life is short.

What do you have to lose living life set by dead people’s standards except for things you can’t see?

adult art caution cold
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Like They Faked The Landing On The Moon

More work on Cities that Eat Islands. More revising than usual. More action going on and more psychic play with Carmella in the climax so it was required. Much happier with it. See how it reads on Thursday.

D is sick again. Strep. Swear the schools are petri dishes of diseases. Home schooling is so appetizing. And with school shootings all the rage, why not?

Figured out that there were only 19 school shooting during my high school years (88-92). 29 when I went to college(92-96). Not bad.

Watched John Water’s Hairspray co-staring the great Divine. Forgot that he played two roles in the film and John Waters played the doctor that tries to cure the girl of her love for Negros. All the cast is amazing. Even Ric Ocasek from The Cars.

Yeah, now that America is cured of racism I wanted to remind myself of how it used to be. As PG as it is, the film is really offensive to the white middle class. So fucking funny.

I haven’t seen the remake or the stage production. Nor do I plan to. John fucking Travolta who killed his own son based on his religion? No thanks.

Still thinking about yesterdays post about media. I had a humorous thought which relates to racism. How they, some people, don’t want you to believe those videos on the news of cops executing black people.

Yeah, they’re all fake. Like they faked the landing on the moon.

Or maybe the people in them are crisis actors?

Fucking morons.

space research science astronaut
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Not Believe In The Media

Started this weeks new batch of pages for Cities That Eat Islands. Down to the last part and all that leads to the climax. Ka-ching. I imagine there will be a lot of tweaking.

Started Mark Miller’s Hellraiser: The Toll. A novella that’s placed between Barker’s novella and his novel the Scarlet Gospels. So far so good.

Still amazes me how there are many people out there obsessed with media and how the same people are telling others not to believe in the media. Not to let it control you.

“Media controlled person who then tells other person not to let media control you.”

I may have born with a brain unlike neuro-typicals but this just does not make sense to me. If you can explain it then please leave one in the comments.

Media, the news, is important to me besides in a professional position. It informs me of the world. The past and the present so I can better move into the future. I use it to filter through the many sides of reality to come to my own conclusion of the truth.

Truth = What we read + What people experience +  What we experience.

True, media is about click bait and gaining readers. They want to grab you with the headline. I do the same thing. It’s a business. We need to make money. By the way, did you buy my book yet?

But aren’t most adults with an average education able to decipher a piece of journalism between opinion and reporting? Able to tell when someone is trying to lead a reader along to one side or just giving the who, what, when, where, why and how?

The most tragic part is when I see twenty somethings tell teens not to trust the media.

What kind of future will there be?

But then I see said teens blow those twenty somethings away with their convictions, with their truths based on the equation above.

Maybe all will be all right in the world.

ancient architecture art artistic
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Not So Happy Holidays

IT’S HOW YOU SEE THINGS, NOT HOW IT REALLY IS

It’s when all your words come out in in monotone or in low volume or they don’t come out right at all. Your brain thinks the right word but the wrong word leaves your mouth. Or your mouth trips up the words. Or your brain just stops in mid thought.

And this angers people. They say, “What?” with aggravation. They want you to repeat yourself and you do but this time you take a deeper breath and you shout out what you have to say. It’s a lot of work and leaves you tired. Communicating verbally is so exhausting.

Why can’t it be easier like when you write music or stories or paint pictures…wait, no. They don’t understand those forms of communications. At least, not the deeper way you communicate through them. Or do they even care to see/read/listen to your art?

 

JOIN UP WITH THE CROWD

It’s when all the people are talking, laughing, shouting, screaming, clinking glasses, banging plates, and blasting bad music at once. Good times swirl into a into a sonic tornado that rips into your head like Pillsbury thorns and makes you want to cover your ears with a pillow or run out of the room or the house. You feel the eyes on you and can’t help but think they are wondering about you. Society states there must be something wrong with you. And there is.

You never feel this way at a concert/fest/club, standing in crowd, listening to four people you always loved playing music you never grew tired of. Maybe because you can hide your rocking/stomping/wiggling. Maybe because you can screw up the words as you sing and no one will hear you. Maybe because you’re invisible.

YOU NEED TO INTERGRATE YOURSELF

It’s when you sit in a crowded room and eat the food or stare at the television. Guests walk in and they say hi to you. You wave back. You weave through the crowd to get a drink. You say hi and smile. You climb the mountain. You socialized.

You could stop to interrupt their conversation with other people but that would be rude. It would be doubly rude to talk to them because you know what comes out of your mouth would not be proper. Your life and interests are worlds apart. You’re frank and honest.

Not because you’re a hurtful person, it’s because you are frank and honest. Illusions are wasteful. Politeness is pointless. You want to show your honest self, warts and butterflies. But that’s not how it works.

In the past you got polite laughter from them. Wide eye exchange. Mouths distracted with sipping drinks. Dying conversations. You die too and hope the Earth opens up under you. But all you can do is leave the conversation and go back to your chair. Keep eating. Try to keep still because you want to rock back and forth or bounce your leg or wiggle your fingers.

The only other option is to stand and stare while two other people talk. You nod, smile, and say, “Yep, yep,” and sip your drink.

No. Those are both horrible. Both tiring. Exhausting.

You should go back to your chair. Sit. Watch the television and wait for it’s time to leave. Take breaks to leave the house/apartment.

Or find that other freak in the room. Or maybe you should bring one with you.

I know I will.

Happy Holidays to my weirdo, freak, loser, geek, and monster brothers and sisters. And good luck.

 

 

 

Autism is Evil. WTF? How did we get stuck with this?

You see/hear it on the web or on television or at your dining room table on the holidays. Anti vaccination rants. Vaccinations cause autism.

I saw a video recently about triplets. Perfectly fine and happy, as stated by the parents. They showed a picture of them, the babies. No video. Then the parents took them for a shot and BOOM. No eye contact, drooling, lifeless. AUTISM! Parents crying. Life over.

Things were never the same. Receipt lost. Can’t return the kids for a refund. You can’t sell them on eBay for a penny because no one wants defective autistic babies. They will never grow up to be bankers or hedge funders let alone plumbers.

But the worse part, the saddest, were the parents. The poor, crying parents whose lives were ruined. They were duped. The doctors told them that the shots would save their children from diseases and the government told them they had to do it. The parents were victims. Rubes. Shit. Even I feel like setting up a GoFundMe for them.

Nah. It’s all propaganda bullshit.

Fact: Real doctors/scientists are no where close to determining how autism starts. They are sure as shit that it doesn’t come from vaccinations. 

Fact: Government still pumps tons of money into research to find out the cause.

So one day we might know. Personally I hope there is no cure but maybe a treatment to handle the negative affects.

What do I think is the cause of autism? Genetics. It’s hereditary. It goes back before vaccinations. May even be evolutional.

Now, let’s humor the anti-vaccination people a moment. This shit is hurtful to us autistics. Think about it. They want to kill us. Stop the vaccinations 100% and you stop the race of autistics. (REALITY BREAK: We are born autistic and not given a shot like the Hulk or Captain America) We’ll die out. How fucked up is that? That’s like white supremacist. Neuro Typical Nationalist? Can we call them that? Do they want a world where everyone has bland, boring thoughts and a filtered mouth?

And like any other hate group, they focus on the low functioning autistic. They exploit their challenges with speech and motor skills, etc. to scare low intelligent adults into not vaccinating their children. Like chicken and small pox are better. Yeah. I still remember chicken pox. (IDIOT BOX: “There hasn’t been a case of small pox in a hundred years.” ME: “Could it be because of vaccinations?”) Fucking hell.

Or maybe the parents the vaccination groups are targeting are lazy. They want kids that are easy. Predictable. What is more easy and predictable than healthy.

But autism isn’t a sickness. I wouldn’t even call it a disability although it is labeled as one. Think of it as a physical language. Imagine your child is Superman. He/she is an alien who as come down to Earth and doesn’t know the language or the customs. Through ABA; physical, speech, and occupational therapies (whatever is needed) your child will learn how to communicate and move through this human world. But inside they will always be this alien. Sometimes they will slip and speak alien. Sometimes it will be glorious and sometimes it will conflict with society. Like a good parent, you will love and accept it because they are your child no matter what. He/she will always be Superman, er, woman.

Now why I don’t think there should be a cure for autism.

We’re awesome. We’re great thinkers. We’re honest. We have no filter. We have amazing concentration with things we love. Excellent organizers. Imaginative. Knack for seeing how things work, seeing things that others don’t. Loving. Loyal. We stand strong on our own and don’t follow a crowd. Funny as fuck. Some of us have changed the world dramatically, for the best. We’re the ultimate snowflakes; no two autistics are alike. We’re not great conversationalists, but we communicate in other extraordinary ways if you listen.

You never hear about how autistic go on crime or murder sprees. We just don’t do it. Sure, we have outbursts and may break property, but that’s just because you NTs are just so fucking impossible. My point is we are not filling up jails.

So why would the anti-vaccination people want us dead? These Neuro Typical Nationalist. Are we just pawns for lazy parents? Are they just anti-government? Do they want to screw with Big Pharma?

I don’t know. I do know that we are stuck in the middle. Used as pawns, used to look bad, used to look like freaks to dummy adults.

Well, fuck you anti-vaccinationist and the Neuro Typical Nationalist horse you rode in on.