Tag Archives: autism

Safe With Your Own Kind

Watched Narrow Margin. A tense little noir with great one liners that had it all: humor, twists, violence, style, voice, and a little kid in danger. A gravel voice cop escorts a mob boss’s wife to court via train to testify but the mob wants her dead. If I see it on DVD I’ll definitely pick it up.

A lot of times people say to me:

“You hide behind your keyboard and your views, safe with your own kind and your own people.”

I’ve explained myself with the first part of the comment. I am a keyboard warrior. Being autistic, a keyboard is my preferred choice of communication. My weapon and skill.

Now, what is wrong with wanting to be with people who share your view, no matter your view? If you see black and everyone one else sees white, living in that white world is going to be hard on you, no? (no pun intended)

I grew up in a little hick town called Howell in New Jersey – Monmouth County – and it sucked. Today you would call it Trump country. It was full of Aryan, racist views. Narrow minded, stuck up middle class and white trash. Homophobic. I did not share or fit in. I was a freak, a weirdo, and a loser. I got my ass kicked a lot.

Why should I fit in? I mean, I could but who wants to vomit three times a day?

So of course I wanted to leave and find someplace to fit in, to share my views. And I did in Jersey City.

That’s not to say I didn’t learn about other points to view. I learned a lot about hate and prejudice during my childhood. I learned how sad they were. How they lived in fear. How money controlled them. I saw their POV clearly.

I also saw POVs of LGBT, Latinos, Chicanos, Blacks, Africans, Muslims, etc. I spent my life learning POVs since leaving Howell. And I made them my own POV. I’m still learning. I’m a fucking sponge.

So if anyone says that I’m hiding behind my kind’s pov where I feel safe, then yeah. I am. And I do feel safe. As an autistic who has been abused by neuro typical white people through out my life, I do feel safe on my side.
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PULL the Tail

Summer approaches and the heat has increased here. Today has gotten so hot that the schools decided on a half day for the kids. I think it only reached 92 as of now. Not that hot but hot enough.

Different from when I was a kid. I don’t remember schools closing because of the heat. We never had air conditioning and sometimes the teacher had a fan going in the classroom. We were allowed to make those paper fans and they kept the shades down.

Children’s rights have changed some.

No work. Had to prove rights to A Girl Closer to Death so the proof can be mailed. This is getting tedious. Still waiting for them to release it even though it was cleared yesterday. Slow.

People picking out the cover for Sandwich Can’t Stop A Bullet is going well. Looks like a contender and it’s not the one I favor. Interesting.

Watched James Whale’s Old Dark House Friday night. So fucking crazy. I loved. An eclectic group of young, contemporary, party people are stranded in this old, dark house in the middle of this absurd storm. Of course the people in the house are old, odd, and borderline psycho. Boris Karloff plays a mute butler who you don’t want to get drunk. It reminded me of a Tobe Hooper film, the tone of escalating insanity by use of characters; ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1 and 2.

Also saw Babysitter Wanted. A nice gory film about a Christian college girl who takes a job babysitting for this couple who live out in the boonies. The night she sits for the shy little boy, a man comes to kill him. Nothing is what it seems and there is a nice religious theme running through it. We’ve rewatched it many times. The only things that bothers me is the use of Scream jump scare music the first 45 minutes of the movie when there is nothing scary going on. Speaking of Chainsaw 2, Bill Mosely is in it as the town sheriff; a good guy!

Now I have to work on saving one of our cats. M is back to pulling her tail again and is getting way too aggressive. Even pushing at her to hear her meow. Going to try some visuals since distraction and hand-over-hand isn’t working much, or at least not fast enough. I printed out some pictures to make a don’t pull the cat’s tail sign. Hope it works.

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The Answer Is a Headline or a Meme

Found three images to work with for the cover of A Sandwich Can’t Stop a Bullet. Each one has a human factor in it. I’ll play around with them and see which one I’ll send to the designer later.

Watched the last two parts of the Puppet Master Axis trilogy, Axis Rising and Axis Termination. Both were directed by Charles Band who did not direct part one which was done by David Decoteau.

Although both are fine directors, Band decided to add a camp edge to part two and replaced the actors to the leads in part 1. The humor was jarring and the use of the sexy SS woman who then became the puppet with the tits that shot bullets was too much camp based on the balance created in the first film.

But then the two main characters from one and two are killed in the first two minutes of part three and all seems to return to order. Darkness returns. Some scene are fucked up and the movie is pretty good in a low budget, let’s rip off Universal Pictures sort of way.

I read that Full Moon has shot another Puppet Master that takes place in a parallel universe where Toulon is a Nazi and uses the puppets for evil. That would suck. But what can you do.

Any who.

Lately my hearing and smell has been very sensitive lately. Mostly my hearing to the point where I’ve been aggravated. Many noises set me off from aggravation to anger. I think I need to walk around with ear muffs or a head set in the apartment.

Saw my drug dealer yesterday. Keeping my pills the same. My depression has been leveled. I think doing this blog and vocalizing how I feel to others has helped. I know that others have no idea what I’m talking about. I live in my own world; fantasy world as the experts call it. That is the point of my brain, the disorder, the meaning of the word. No one will understand me. But I experience less depression than holding it in.

It does leave other upset and confused, but I’m not sure what I can do about that. If I’m upset and confused I search for answers. Maybe they should do the same. But that’s not how the world works. People don’t search for answers. They lay around and wait for someone else to tell them the answers. Or maybe they read the answer as a head line or a meme on the internet.

It’s frustrating and sad but I can always do something else.

orange and gray earmuffs
Photo by MikoĊ‚aj Bleja on Pexels.com

 

Medical Torture For Something There Is No Cure For

Finished the edits on the collection, which is now called A Sandwich Can’t Stop a Bullet. It’s pulled from one of the shorts inside. Hopefully the title is catchy and noir enough. I still have time to change it.

Also wrote the publishing history page for the previously pubbed shorts. Just have to do some more formatting on the front matter and do the cover.

Also fixed that category matter at Nook.

Kindle flagged another titled for copyright verification. Sent them my standard letter of ownership and I guess I’ll hear back from them in a few days. Shit’s getting crazy but I guess this is how the world runs these days. I did experience the plagiarism once before.

Went to M’s moving on ceremony today. It was sweet. She was so excited to have Neen and I there. Over heard the teachers gushing over M’s reactions to us. They really love her and will miss her next year when she moves on to kindergarten.

Neurotribes continues to be an interesting. Read a chapter where a couple dealt with their son’s autism during the anti-vaccination craze. She followed the cult of D.A.N. and used strict diets and pills for her son. Some of the diets did help but most made him miserable.

They became obsessed with ridding the metals from their child’s body in order to cure him of autism. She didn’t do anything extreme but she researched many methods like chelation therapy, hugging therapy, and skull marrow massaging-something.

The parents finally came to their senses, finally saw their son’s misery and decided to put him first, when the doctor pushed for chelation, the process of filtering the mercury out of the blood even though it was at a low level.

They then turned to ABA therapy and their son learned, over time, to take care of himself and to live with his autism. They learned to accept him.

Glad that this craze is not so strong now. At least I don’t see it too much myself. I do see it from time to time online. I just can’t imagine parents doing these horrible, abusive things to their children. Medical torture for the sake of curing them of something that there is no cure for. Freaks me out.

Now I’m up to Asperger and his school for kids.

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Eating Quite the Monster

No work done.

Went to writing group in the late afternoon.

Family stuff.

Last night we finished Season of the Witch and watched the conversation between Romero and Guillermo Del Toro. I miss George. So glad I met him when I did.

Next few weeks should be busy with the kids ending school and M’s graduation.

If all goes well, I can complete some work stuff and clear the way for some short stories and novellas this summer.

Started reading Neurotribes. Really digging it. It traced the history of autism and starts off with a scientists named Cavendish back in the 1750s. Should eat this one up fast even though it’s quite the monster.

Neuro Typical Fantasy

Wrote a few hundred pages for Cities That Eat Islands this morning. To flesh out a minor character and give the closing a bit of a pay off.

While walking around and doing errands I met Kiko who was panhandling at the drug store in front of the court house. Got to talking about movies and the theatres around Journal Square. Nice guy with some history.

Watched Cry Murder. Supposed to humorous, even funny. I didn’t find it very funny but some of the dialog was snappy. When it turned tense it caught my interest. At least the final act paid off.

Autistics have a problem with taking certain speech literally. Or slang.

For a lame example:

“Oh, it’s raining cats and dogs outside.”

We’ll go look out the window to see the cats and dogs.

Or maybe we need some direct instructions and not so vague.

“Now class. Take out the book and we’ll start the lesson.”

Teacher looks at kid with closed book on desk. “Thomas, I said open your book so we can start the lesson.”

Thomas “No you didn’t.”

“Thomas, don’t give me trouble today.”

But what I always noticed is that Neuro Typicals have a severe case of taking fantasy very literal to the case of insanity. Video games and horror movies influence violence in children. Song in lyrics are calls to violence or rape.

Always negative.

Really. I’m going to listen to The Ramones’ Beat on the Brat and go out and beat on the brat with a base ball bat. (I don’t need a song to do that) Or I’m going to watch a slasher film and kill people. Or I’m going to read the Bible and make people live life to my standards. Oh wait, scratch that last one. Bad example.

Granted, there are probably other psychological reasons going on for this. My diagnosis is stupidity.

Do autistics fall for such ridiculousness stated above? Not that I have ever seen. Yeah, we are into their favorite shows, movies, and cosplays. Some really want to be cops and firemen. We might dress up. But I don’t think we are so deep into that fantasy world were we lose touch with reality but we take the morals of that world and incorporate them into our reality.

Example: Do good. Help others. Fight evil, etc. Shit, even I have my own fantasy world and morals taken from books and television shows from when I was a kid. That’s the best part about being autistic.

Maybe because we don’t socialize well and the mediums of fantasy are the perfect companions. A movie is short and direct. We can start it over and stop it or rewind to a certain part. A book we can work on over time or read through in one sitting. A television show we can look forward to every week like a visiting friend. We can learn to talk through the mediums, learn about life, learn art, and magic. Learn to laugh and cry and feel. They are the perfect teacher and friend.

But many NTs see fantasy as a negative most of the time. Harmful to children or even people they consider mentally inferior. Like reality is so much fun. Is it? Is it really? Or does misery just love company?

woman reading a book
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

 

 

 

The Long Post and the Threat of Regression

FRIDAY

Kids had a half a day so the teachers can leave early from work and prepare for their three day week end. Damn the unions. So I managed to complete a little computer work.

Not able to get much done with BOTH kids home.

Watched Michael Mann’s Manhunter. Been a while since I’ve seen it. A slick minimalistic forensic crime noir. It’s a fine slow burn with great performances from William Petersen and Dennis Farina who you don’t see anymore, sadly. Tom Noonan and Brian Cox were wonderfully psychotic in different ways. What little time Joan Allen had she made a strong impression on the film.

SATURDAY

Did a lot more computer work. Some frustration between linking up the store with the website. HTML bullshit that I have to figure out. Be creative and work around it.

My daughter, M, spent some time with my wife’s Aunt Fuck and mother today while we went to the mall. Aunt Fuck was training M to say her name on her cell phone video so she could sent it to her friends and post it on Facebook. Now sometimes my daughter is repeating “My Name Is M”.

She’s going to be five in a few months. She’s broken out of echolalia. She’s top of her class and surpassing her goals in private ABA and in school. She has a strong chance to be in a mixed class in 3rd grade. Speech is her slight weakness. She should be working on her sentences, voicing what she wants. Communicating her needs. She already knows her name, the names of her family members and her pets.

I feel this aunt is regressing my daughter’s hard work. Also feels like Aunt Fuck is using her like a child pornographer in front of our faces. Giving her commands, making her do it over and over, making sure she looks at the camera. Treating her like a thing. Like she’s a retards, brainless.

But that’s how she talks to everyone. Yes, I hate Aunt Fuck. I’m going to have to ban her from my daughter again. Sigh.

Watched Michael Gornick’s Creepshow 2. This is the new Arrow edition, which looks stunning. This film has grown on me every time I rewatched it. We met Mike Gornick a few times at cons. He’s a nice, generous, and approachable guy. He started off as a Director of Photography for George Romero in the first half of his career. It’s a fun film but doesn’t surpass part 1.

SUNDAY

More computer work today. Boring, blah, blah, back ache, blah.

Helped D with his essay for school. Research.

Because of above had to skip writing group today. *sad face*

Watched Tobe Hooper’s Eaten Alive. It’s his second film. Funny. This film lives up to the reputation of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s bloody, violent, and intense and it’s all on the screen, unlike the other film, which was going for a PG rating or just shadowed out from the lack of lighting or budget. Pure Hooper insanity driven by performances from Neville Brand, Robert Finley, Marilyn Burns, Mel Ferrer, and Robert Englund.

MONDAY

Started last round of edits for Cities That Eat Islands. Thank God, no computer work.

No school for the kids since it was a holiday. We didn’t get invited to any parties. Great!

Helped D with his essay again.

Sorry for such a long post. Wanted to do an autism post too but will save it for tomorrow.

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