Tag Archives: asperger’s

The Answer Is a Headline or a Meme

Found three images to work with for the cover of A Sandwich Can’t Stop a Bullet. Each one has a human factor in it. I’ll play around with them and see which one I’ll send to the designer later.

Watched the last two parts of the Puppet Master Axis trilogy, Axis Rising and Axis Termination. Both were directed by Charles Band who did not direct part one which was done by David Decoteau.

Although both are fine directors, Band decided to add a camp edge to part two and replaced the actors to the leads in part 1. The humor was jarring and the use of the sexy SS woman who then became the puppet with the tits that shot bullets was too much camp based on the balance created in the first film.

But then the two main characters from one and two are killed in the first two minutes of part three and all seems to return to order. Darkness returns. Some scene are fucked up and the movie is pretty good in a low budget, let’s rip off Universal Pictures sort of way.

I read that Full Moon has shot another Puppet Master that takes place in a parallel universe where Toulon is a Nazi and uses the puppets for evil. That would suck. But what can you do.

Any who.

Lately my hearing and smell has been very sensitive lately. Mostly my hearing to the point where I’ve been aggravated. Many noises set me off from aggravation to anger. I think I need to walk around with ear muffs or a head set in the apartment.

Saw my drug dealer yesterday. Keeping my pills the same. My depression has been leveled. I think doing this blog and vocalizing how I feel to others has helped. I know that others have no idea what I’m talking about. I live in my own world; fantasy world as the experts call it. That is the point of my brain, the disorder, the meaning of the word. No one will understand me. But I experience less depression than holding it in.

It does leave other upset and confused, but I’m not sure what I can do about that. If I’m upset and confused I search for answers. Maybe they should do the same. But that’s not how the world works. People don’t search for answers. They lay around and wait for someone else to tell them the answers. Or maybe they read the answer as a head line or a meme on the internet.

It’s frustrating and sad but I can always do something else.

orange and gray earmuffs
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Eating Quite the Monster

No work done.

Went to writing group in the late afternoon.

Family stuff.

Last night we finished Season of the Witch and watched the conversation between Romero and Guillermo Del Toro. I miss George. So glad I met him when I did.

Next few weeks should be busy with the kids ending school and M’s graduation.

If all goes well, I can complete some work stuff and clear the way for some short stories and novellas this summer.

Started reading Neurotribes. Really digging it. It traced the history of autism and starts off with a scientists named Cavendish back in the 1750s. Should eat this one up fast even though it’s quite the monster.

Neuro Typical Fantasy

Wrote a few hundred pages for Cities That Eat Islands this morning. To flesh out a minor character and give the closing a bit of a pay off.

While walking around and doing errands I met Kiko who was panhandling at the drug store in front of the court house. Got to talking about movies and the theatres around Journal Square. Nice guy with some history.

Watched Cry Murder. Supposed to humorous, even funny. I didn’t find it very funny but some of the dialog was snappy. When it turned tense it caught my interest. At least the final act paid off.

Autistics have a problem with taking certain speech literally. Or slang.

For a lame example:

“Oh, it’s raining cats and dogs outside.”

We’ll go look out the window to see the cats and dogs.

Or maybe we need some direct instructions and not so vague.

“Now class. Take out the book and we’ll start the lesson.”

Teacher looks at kid with closed book on desk. “Thomas, I said open your book so we can start the lesson.”

Thomas “No you didn’t.”

“Thomas, don’t give me trouble today.”

But what I always noticed is that Neuro Typicals have a severe case of taking fantasy very literal to the case of insanity. Video games and horror movies influence violence in children. Song in lyrics are calls to violence or rape.

Always negative.

Really. I’m going to listen to The Ramones’ Beat on the Brat and go out and beat on the brat with a base ball bat. (I don’t need a song to do that) Or I’m going to watch a slasher film and kill people. Or I’m going to read the Bible and make people live life to my standards. Oh wait, scratch that last one. Bad example.

Granted, there are probably other psychological reasons going on for this. My diagnosis is stupidity.

Do autistics fall for such ridiculousness stated above? Not that I have ever seen. Yeah, we are into their favorite shows, movies, and cosplays. Some really want to be cops and firemen. We might dress up. But I don’t think we are so deep into that fantasy world were we lose touch with reality but we take the morals of that world and incorporate them into our reality.

Example: Do good. Help others. Fight evil, etc. Shit, even I have my own fantasy world and morals taken from books and television shows from when I was a kid. That’s the best part about being autistic.

Maybe because we don’t socialize well and the mediums of fantasy are the perfect companions. A movie is short and direct. We can start it over and stop it or rewind to a certain part. A book we can work on over time or read through in one sitting. A television show we can look forward to every week like a visiting friend. We can learn to talk through the mediums, learn about life, learn art, and magic. Learn to laugh and cry and feel. They are the perfect teacher and friend.

But many NTs see fantasy as a negative most of the time. Harmful to children or even people they consider mentally inferior. Like reality is so much fun. Is it? Is it really? Or does misery just love company?

woman reading a book
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Don’t You Have A Filter?

More work on Cities that Eat Islands.

Submitted cover to designer for paperback version Bawling Sugar Soul.

D was home sick today. Helped him with his essay. A ridiculous subject. A hard one. Finding common ground between the Europeans, the Native Americans, and the African Americans in 1492. Gonna need some creative writing for this one.

So I have a habit of dragging people out of their comfort zones. I’m not just talking about with my books or on the internet where I fall into arguments with dunderheads. In real life too. See, when people say:

“Yeah, you’re a big man hiding behind your keyboard. But in real life you wouldn’t say those things.”

Well, yeah. I do say those things. I’ve had a life time of people telling me:

“You’re so crazy.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that.”

“Don’t you have a filter?”

“What is wrong with you?”

And on and on.

No, I’m not crazy. I’m autistic. And maybe that means I don’t have a filter and that I’m rude or crazy…to those people. Maybe it means that I tell the truth without holding back. Maybe I want to be part of the conversation and don’t know the right way to break into it so I just verbally belly flop into it. It really depends on the situation.

Most of my life it has gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’ve been beaten in the face, kicked in the spine, kept from getting a promotion at Metlife, gotten in disagreements with co-workers, lost friends in person and on the internet, and fought with in-laws.

But it has benefits aside from my art. I have run into people that don’t react that way. They do take me seriously, accept me when I speak. And when I’m being funny, like unfiltered funny, they laugh. Like my wife and kids and my one or two friends that I manage not to scare away.

It’s hard. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t talk in public much. Making friends is difficult, especially with white people. Usually I have to hang out with a person a few times before I feel comfortable in front of them.

Then there are those people where you get that safe feeling from. They smile at you, they radiate acceptance. I appreciate those.

Personally I don’t mind moving out of my comfort zone. I love watching movies that threaten me, move me. People with ideas and imagination. Shift my thinking and perspective a bit. After all, as humans we have to change. It’s as obvious as our skin.

So why resist that autistic person who is pulling you from your safe place? Embrace them. If they are giving you a view outside the box, take a look. If they are telling you a joke that might be off color, go ahead and laugh. Consider them living art.

I get that society has these invisible laws and you might go to invisible jail if you break them where they will stare at you with invisible lasers filled with invisible shame. But if one resists change they suffer.

Life is short.

What do you have to lose living life set by dead people’s standards except for things you can’t see?

adult art caution cold
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Shit Like That Doesn’t Happen Anymore

Friday Night

Watched Nicholas Ray’s On Dangerous Ground. Was impressed how gritty it was. Even when it moved to the rural upstate New York setting.

Robert Ryan was great as the violent cop who faced his literal demons. Through out the picture I was wondering where I had seen him before and remembered him in Act of Violence where he played the soldier who came home to torment the other into confessing his crime. Ida Lupino was again brilliant but didn’t show up until  halfway even though she got top billing. I think Ed Begley was the killer. If he was, he was great too.

Saturday

Finished editing goal for Cities That Eat Islands. All goes well, only one and half week left.

Read Robert McCammon’s Tales from Greystone Bay. Out of the three collected it has one I hadn’t read before. Perfect for my McCammon collection. The master.

Neen and I saw Back To the Future at the Loew’s Jersey last night. 50 foot screen and the original print. Nice warm colors with sprocket skipping. The way film is intended. Can’t find that in digital. Havent seen the film like that since I was 11. When that movie came out it played in theatres for a whole year. Shit like that doesn’t happen anymore. Movies are pulled out no more than a month and dropped in digital markets ASAP.

Anyway. It’s still funny and worthy of the model for pop screenwriting. The audience cheered when dad punched Biff and Marty hit 88 on the way home. It was the last film of the season until September.

Sunday

Spent the day recovering from a horrible night. Restless leg syndrome kept me up. Couldn’t close my eyes no matter how tired I felt. And when I finally did go to sleep, M woke up at 4 and wanted to party. She does this once an a while. For an autistic child she sleeps well. All of us are truly fortunate. My own sleep patterns are not so great.

Did tech work as you can see on the site. Less clutter, simpler. Maybe.

I will leave you with a strange quote I ran into over the week end about a baseball field in my town:

“it is equality because those fields aren’t open to anyone. They’re only open when there are baseball games.”

man wearing black waistcoat and white tank tops standing near a mural
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A Bitch and A Blessing

Started next forty pages of editing for Cities That Eat Islands. Still a solid first draft. Mostly cutting useless words, rephrasing grammar, and moving word order. The benefit of editing as you go when writing the first draft. Still proud of what I wrote. Still the best I wrote so far.

Paper back cover for Surly Girly came back. Looks great. Resubbed for technical revisions. Should get it by tomorrow and can have it ready for the proof.

People (kids) can only take so much from an aggressor (bully) before they strike back (shove). Sometimes there is a mediator (adult) on their side who wants peace for all. Aggressors (bullies) beware tomorrow.

Cognitive empathy can be a bitch and a blessing for me.

I don’t have it.

Blessing: In times of emergency like a car accident or when the kids or wife get hurt, I am cold and focused and take control of the situation to heal them. (Autistics make great EMTs)

A bitch: When the kids or wife or anyone whine to me how sick they are or how horrible a situation is, I can’t empathize for the moment.

I try and say, “That’s horrible” or “That must be terrible for you.”

Sometimes it works but to the more immature individual (children and emotionally stunted adults) it doesn’t. They can tell I’m sort of faking. They think I don’t care. They get mad.

No, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I don’t have the brain parts to do it. I wasn’t born with it. I have the autistic brain.

The further bitch of it is that I want to empathize at that moment. And like someone who can’t communicate to people, I get frustrated or angry.

One of the biggest myths about people on the spectrum is that they don’t have empathy. We do. We empathize with the world a lot. With people. With their struggles, with their pain. So much that it’s a major part of our depression. We’re very sensitive people.

We just don’t have cognitive empathy.

See the difference?

 

To Wake During The Closing Credits

Friday Night

Watched Fred Olen Ray’s Deep Space. Kind of like the remake if The Blob. The dates of the two are close. Note sure who ripped off who. A man made government creation comes down from space and starts killing people in LA. The creature FX were pretty good for the budget. The cops were over the top but so is the nature of genre. I fell asleep the last ten minutes. Woke up right as the credits were rolling. Damn. I’ll have to go back and watch it again.

Saturday

Sneaked in the last of the offline revising of the Miki files before I had to go out to my parent’s house for mother’s day/father’s birthday. All I left now is online work with distribution. Should definitely be done by end of the week mixed with other goals I have planned.

After driving home through the storm we watched Jeff Lieberman’s Just Before Dawn. Been wanting to see this for a long time. Didn’t disappoint. Great slasher with a nifty twist in the end. Again, I feel asleep at the last ten minutes and woke up at the credits.

Sucks when the body turns old.

Sunday

Took the mama of my children out to get drunk during lunch and got her the Arrow special edition of Argento’s Cat O’Nine Tails. Of course she didn’t know about it. If it looks as beautiful as the other Arrow revisions then she should be happy. Supposed to have lobby cards inside it two and a booklet.

We drank a bit. Funny about us is that we both don’t drink or do drugs. Not even weed. I guess you can call us straight edge. Our whole lives. Not for political or health reasons. Just never had reason to. Or maybe we saw too many negative effects from it.

But a few years after we got married we tried having a few drinks out. Like one or two. Now we do it occasionally. Once every two or three months.

Autistics make for happy drunks.

Well, buzzed anyway.