Tag Archives: ASD

Not So Happy Holidays

IT’S HOW YOU SEE THINGS, NOT HOW IT REALLY IS

It’s when all your words come out in in monotone or in low volume or they don’t come out right at all. Your brain thinks the right word but the wrong word leaves your mouth. Or your mouth trips up the words. Or your brain just stops in mid thought.

And this angers people. They say, “What?” with aggravation. They want you to repeat yourself and you do but this time you take a deeper breath and you shout out what you have to say. It’s a lot of work and leaves you tired. Communicating verbally is so exhausting.

Why can’t it be easier like when you write music or stories or paint pictures…wait, no. They don’t understand those forms of communications. At least, not the deeper way you communicate through them. Or do they even care to see/read/listen to your art?

 

JOIN UP WITH THE CROWD

It’s when all the people are talking, laughing, shouting, screaming, clinking glasses, banging plates, and blasting bad music at once. Good times swirl into a into a sonic tornado that rips into your head like Pillsbury thorns and makes you want to cover your ears with a pillow or run out of the room or the house. You feel the eyes on you and can’t help but think they are wondering about you. Society states there must be something wrong with you. And there is.

You never feel this way at a concert/fest/club, standing in crowd, listening to four people you always loved playing music you never grew tired of. Maybe because you can hide your rocking/stomping/wiggling. Maybe because you can screw up the words as you sing and no one will hear you. Maybe because you’re invisible.

YOU NEED TO INTERGRATE YOURSELF

It’s when you sit in a crowded room and eat the food or stare at the television. Guests walk in and they say hi to you. You wave back. You weave through the crowd to get a drink. You say hi and smile. You climb the mountain. You socialized.

You could stop to interrupt their conversation with other people but that would be rude. It would be doubly rude to talk to them because you know what comes out of your mouth would not be proper. Your life and interests are worlds apart. You’re frank and honest.

Not because you’re a hurtful person, it’s because you are frank and honest. Illusions are wasteful. Politeness is pointless. You want to show your honest self, warts and butterflies. But that’s not how it works.

In the past you got polite laughter from them. Wide eye exchange. Mouths distracted with sipping drinks. Dying conversations. You die too and hope the Earth opens up under you. But all you can do is leave the conversation and go back to your chair. Keep eating. Try to keep still because you want to rock back and forth or bounce your leg or wiggle your fingers.

The only other option is to stand and stare while two other people talk. You nod, smile, and say, “Yep, yep,” and sip your drink.

No. Those are both horrible. Both tiring. Exhausting.

You should go back to your chair. Sit. Watch the television and wait for it’s time to leave. Take breaks to leave the house/apartment.

Or find that other freak in the room. Or maybe you should bring one with you.

I know I will.

Happy Holidays to my weirdo, freak, loser, geek, and monster brothers and sisters. And good luck.

 

 

 

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Meltdowns (Shh we don’t talk about those)

I have meltdowns. Not tantrums. And I’m not crazy. People think and say I am crazy when I have/had them. I used to think I was crazy. But now that I know I’m an Aspie I know that they are meltdowns.

“How do you know they are not tantrums or that you are not one angry asshole?”

Because they don’t happen out of anger. They’re not from rage. I don’t hate you. They’re sparked from an information/sensory overload.

I have meltdowns once a week, sometimes once a month, sometimes once every other month. Those spacious times I’m able to recognize when a meltdown is going to happen. I stop, leave the scene, tell my self what is happening and why, and wait for it to pass. It’s all I can do. I wait for the pandemonium to leave and then reenter the pattern.

You see, that’s a big thing for me, patterns. When my pattern explodes into chaos I can’t handle it. I don’t mean the slightest slip, I mean chaos. Like three people in the room getting in the way, screaming and moving things around, while I’m trying to cook them dinner.

Chaos.

So I leave the room until the chaos leaves and dinner is late.

Another thing that sets me off is illogical thoughts and questions that hammer my brain.

This may sound insulting but neuro typical people live very illogical philosophies. Your lives are governed by dead people and those dead people had no idea what they were talking about. I know, I sound egotistical and elitists.

For example: I don’t believe in inequality but most of the people in the world does and when I’m hammered with it over and over in a thirty minute period the illogic spins my brain and pushes me into a meltdown. Or when NTs hammer me with selfishness (I’m a firm believer in altruism) over and over, I meltdown.

Most of the time, depending on whose around, I’m able to calm down before I explode but sometimes I don’t.

What is my meltdown like? No one gets hurt but me. I am incapable of hurting anyone. It’s not about anger. No hate. It’s not directed at anyone. My brain malfunctioned, glitched from the info, trying to balance the logic of my interior world to the overwhelming insanity of the so-called-real world.

I pace. I scream how nothing makes sense. I punch the walls or stove. Throw my arms. People look at me as if I’m nuts. In the end I feel exhausted and I have a wound. One time I accidently hit a pen someone was holding while swinging my arms and stabbed myself¬† in the hand. Didn’t feel it. I have a high tolerance for pain, by the way. I’ve had bruises on my hands and arms. I used to hit my head a lot. Now I got the beginning of a cataract so I don’t do that anymore.

Afterwards, I also feel shame and embarrassment. I wish me and my family didn’t have to go through this. Times like this is when I wish there was a drug that helped us. Not a cure for autism. A cure for overload, for meltdowns.

So that it. My meltdowns. I probably shouldn’t have written about them but I felt it was important to get it out. I don’t see much talk out there about it. It is an ugly subject. Cops like to handcuff kids at school when they have them. I’m sure marriages break up because of them. I’m fortunate. Very fortunate. Which makes me want to try for the longer gaps.

 

2 things that bite my balls (one for each)

This week I was only able to sub 5 stories and received 2 rejections.

Was hoping for more rejections this week so I could turn more stories around. Though, an acceptance would have been nicer.

Markets are still slim. Wish there were more crime markets that paid well.

The sci-fi/ya short I have been working on this week is now at 4,400 words, tentatively called The Creative. Bland I know, but I still have some more words. I should finish the draft tomorrow morning. I’ll think of something better. I already have some notes for a second draft. Also I want to keep it under 5k but if it goes over I’m not too worried considering the genre it’s in. Sci-fi markets seem to take higher word counts and also pay higher rates.

So yes, things that piss me off. I’ll keep this short.

One, markets that make you pay to submit your work.  Many lit based markets, think University, want to charge you a fee so they will consider you short story for acceptance of their journal. I do have some lit stories that I push around and often run into these markets.

Also there is another type that will not read your submission unless you are a subscriber to their magazine. (No, this is not the market that says read a FREE issue before you submit to get a feel of what we like. They want you to pay to subscribe before submitting.) For fear that you will not know what they want to publish. For these people don’t have time to write guidelines to explain themselves. Or have SO many submissions from SO many subscribers to read. I don’t know.

All I know that they are both capitalist scum fucks that want the writer’s money or lazy, greedy basterds and you should stay away from them

Two, I have social anxiety disorder and Asperger’s. On one hand I’m compelled to stay away from people because I have things going on in my head to take care of. On the other I just don’t want to deal with people. But I still want to socialize when I’m in the mood.

When I do no one ever meets up with me. Not talking about strangers. Talking about neighbors, people I live with for the last ten years. They give me scripted talk and move on. I know nothing personal about them. So freaky and weird. This sounds familiar. I mentioned something like this before. But you know what I mean. I want to reach out and I’m the one on drugs for depression. But no one else wants to take the time. They’re in their own little world. I guess they’re Aspies too?

 

 

Even years from now they may mesh

More work on third chunk of Kharma part 12.

Ideas/threads to carry over into future stories pop up in my head as I edit along. I write them down in my little book for later. Bits for the next story or even the third or tenth story down.

Can’t stress enough to a new writers how important it is to carry a tiny note/sketch book. Things pop into you head at any time. For me it’s when my brain relaxes or is distracted, in meditative states. Listening to music, watching movies, reading, showering, or by water. Like David Lynch says, You gotta grab them. Write them down even if they’re not perfect. You never know what they can be later. Even years from now they may mesh with something else that could pop up later. 1+1=3

Went over final proof before publication on short story for Unwinnable Magazine. Yes, that was the short that I did many revisions on. “You Are Disturbing The Peaceful Mood I Am In” should be out in their May issue soon.

Oddly the editor wants me to send him an invoice for payment so he can remember to pay me. Which is fine and honest of him. Sometimes these editors forget to pay. Sometimes they never pay. So I will do that.

I discovered that Thomas the Tank Engine will release a new character with autism this summer which is cool. Then I thought, shit. Not for the character. For the fact that the vaccine people out there will put it down like they put down Sesame Street and their autistic character. How it’s bad to normalize, create acceptance and enlightment for autism, how parents shouldn’t be okay with their children being defective, and okay with doctors and the pharmaceutical companies making them that way.

Grrrr, poxy fuckers.

No. I’m not going to get into it.

Thomas is good. Thomas is good for autistic kids too with those big expressive faces. My son loved watching Thomas. God, the little bastard ran tracks through out the apartment and sped ten trains at a time. I had no place to walk with out tripping and stepping on them. We had all the DVDs and I had to watch that Alec Baldwin movie. I did like watching the episodes with George Carlin in them, though.

Still have the tracks and trains in storage. I should bring them out for my daughter to play with. She’s gonna be 4 this summer, she’s just about right for them.

Anyway, here is episode 3 of Stain Boy:

Since vaccines veganism, homosexuality, liberalism, and civil disobedience has increased

Ran into this article from NPR today about autism and vaccines:

Unfounded Autism Fears Are Fueling Minnesota’s Measles Outbreak

For the record my position on autism and vaccines:

I have found no reason to believe that vaccines causes autism based on all the studies done in the past and the ones that are still being done today.

But children are being loaded with so many vaccines!

Yes, they are. And I think they should be spaced out. I feel bad that my kids had to go through so many shots and they ran the risk getting sick due to said shots. But they didn’t.

You daughter has ASD. She got autism through vaccines.

No. I don’t believe that. Through DNA testing we have found abnormalities (lack of a better word) in my daughter leading us to believe that her autism is hereditary. My daughter received her autism from me (another blog post) or my wife most likely. And even if she didn’t. My son received almost the same amount of shots (7 year difference in age) and he doesn’t have autism.

Right now, there is no universal agreement on the cause of autism. But there is an universal agreement on what DOESN’T cause it. Studies funded mostly through government are still going on to find the answer. Me? I think it’s genetic/hereditery.

Since vaccines, autism has increased in the population.

Since vaccines you could say that veganism, homosexuality, liberalism, and civil disobedience has increased. Seriously it’s the law of averages. The population increases and so does it’s factors. More people are born and more people with autism are going to be born.

What about Dr. Andrew Wakefield and what he found in his study? He has Dr. in front of his name.

Seriously? Did you read the link? Why are people still bringing up this guy?

Many celebrities stand by the statement that vaccines cause autism. Jenny McCarthy! Even our current President. Um, Trump. Jenny McCarthy has been in Playboy, had her own sit-com that had been called by critics the funniest show since Lucy, and she has large breasts; large breast equal large brain. And President Chump, er, Trump knows a lot about autism. He can imitate stims! He is the sort of richest man in the world, he knows a lot about marriage, knows ratings, and how to get away with raping 13 year old girl with friends.

That is all true and makes for a strong case for their authority on autism. But one should not fall for the sales man of a cause. One should focus on the medical findings and listen to what their practitioners have to say about the issues. You wouldn’t go to those same people if you had cancer would you?

The government has created autism and slipped it into the vaccines to dumb down American citizens and…

Okay. The only one that is dumbing down anyone is themselves at this point. Go do your research. Read articles, pick up a book, volunteer your time, or make an autistic friend. Pretend it’s 1962 and you can’t catch skin darkening disease from a black man because he drank from the white water fountain.

I believe autism has been around a long, long time. Most likely many of the most brilliant minds in history had autism in one form (autism, ASD, Asperger’s) or another but human education/science just wasn’t there yet to categorize/recognize it. We humans can be slow on the ball.

Of course when I read these article what twists my nuts is how these individuals on the far right, and I know it’s the far right, pushes how humans with autism are nor NORMAL. My gut reaction is:

FUCK YOU!

Then my 2nd reaction is:

Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

These people, the vaccine people, don’t want government to control what goes into children just like they don’t want the government to take their guns away. They don’t want to be control by their government. I get it. Neither do I. But they seem to take it to the level of fiction, a level of insanity to the point where the government is in control. I should know. I write fiction.

Why they need autism to scare the parents, I have no idea. It’s not a scary thing to have. Sure, each spot on the spectrum is hard on the parents and the person inside the body, but there is nothing EVIL or DAMNING about it. Nothing that we should risk our children’s life to measles or some other long dead disease from the middle ages.

The only vaccine for autism should be for the negative aspects of it not to eradicate it. Many wonderful things come from autism. I often have the silly thought that maybe it’s the next step in mental evolution if we can just get the crappy parts out of the way.

They scariest, the worst thing about autism, is facing the uneducated person in the world. The prejudice, the ignorance, the intolerance, the laughter, the mocking, the superiority, and the tisk tisk tisk, isn’t that a shame.

If they can find a vaccine for those people that would be swell.